Balance

Even when everything is heavy, there's always something remarkable that makes life bearable and maybe fantastic.

Ferruginous hawk (Buteo regalis) with watercolors, black ink and white acrylics on an A3 sheet.

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I have many aspirations and goals for myself to achieve in this life and I sometimes get very anxious if I ever will or even if I will get the life I want, which really is just being finally fully proud of myself. But then I think – what’s stopping me from being proud and happy now? Well, I don’t really have an answer.

I have done so much, yet I expect more from myself to do or have done. I can consider myself happy to be alive like this, but there’s something off. I might be getting sucked into the new trend of “locking in”, but I only recently learned of it. I am subconsciously doing what others are, too. And we have the same goal.

We learned about Abraham Maslow’s Pyramid of Necessities this year in psychology and there, interestingly, on the top was the same thing – self-realization. I noticed immediately how the concept at the top and how many were chasing it wasn’t a coincidence now, rather an overused goal, which is completely natural to have for oneself, but it’s turned into profit content. Maybe because it is seen as the ultimate life goal, it pressures many to make it too impossible for themselves, because it’s too far from what they can do in the moment. We have to climb the ladder slowly.

Anyway, I’m definitely not taking this too seriously, because I’m not procrastinating or burnt-out. If I was, I figure I would’ve made my aspirations too complicated or unrealistic in the moment. Day by day, I naturally do what I have to in order to get closer to the part of the life I aspire to live. My friends sometimes help unknowingly or intentionally.

The most important thing I learned finally is how to be less stressed about school in general. That was the main problem I had throughout 6-7^th grades (I’m sorry but the 6-7 thing really got too much attention, didn’t it. Even our teachers got “infected” with it). I think about it and I notice that at that time, school was my entire life basically, so it was kind of inevitable. Now I’m not so overstressed and the results are the same, so, nice.

This year showed me that many people are like graphite, but some are diamonds. For the first time I don’t want this vacation, but we need it after all the brain work during the school year. I connected with my people so well, even though sometimes there was minor drama. Also, I assume I don’t want so much time with myself, because of what happens when I want to just sit and think.

Luckily, we have some Russian and literature homework, and I want to revise on science for next year, so I’m not going to be completely out of things to do about my education. Just art can become heavy.

This year we were handed our textbooks in advance this time – instead of giving them to us next year, they gave them now. 16 textbooks - 2 thicc parts History (actual torture), 2 parts Chemistry (which really makes no sense, because there’s absolutely no bloody reason for it to be divided), Bulgarian, Literature (hell, no, thanks), English (not really), Russian (on a diet and a lot fewer classes, also, with a new teacher…), IT, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Math (hell, yeah!), Geography (not on a diet and taking after History pt. 1) and ½ Music and ½ Art (because one half of the year we have one, then the other). Next year, I will be replacing my English classes with bedtime or art classes, because there’s nothing useful in it and the reason is - we’re starting from absolute zero, but like negative 273°C (-459.67°F (sorry)) level zero. The first pages literally include the alphabet and numbers.

Russian has turned from 2 parts to one skinny vegan textbook, or textbooklet, if you will. I don’t have anything else to say about Literature other than I’m already mourning my sanity, but what it lacks in interest for me, math completely makes up for. Everything there is actual glory, even though for my classmates it will be the final destination of subjects, because they despise math and some fail no matter what they do to cheat. This year, some passed solely by magic and, I assume, advanced cheating.

It’s not certain yet, but we think biology will be taught in Russian next year. I secretly hope it is, even though for the others that would be absolute hell. We will be focusing on the human body and genetics, and I can’t wait. That’s also a part of why I don’t really want this vacation, I guess. I don’t have the patience, even though I have access to the thing we’re learning and can casually read everything in advance. (I probably will.)

The other subjects will be fine, ignoring History, because that will be mentally painful. Like I didn’t know enough about the world to hate myself, now we’ll study more? Like both the world war(t)s, Soviet Russia, Bulgaria and the EU (this is what disappointment looks like) and one more thing that will make it living hell – the Balkan wars.

But yeah… It’ll be fun. Hopefully my internal mental wars will quiet down, but I don’t think they will until I get into university.

But then my parents say to not think that far ahead. I don’t know, man. Let’s just see how quickly these next 4 years go by…

Verraux’s eagle with ink on a A5 sheet.

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Have a nice weekend!