Just the beginning
Doesn't feel like it really.
Eurasian hobby with oils on canvas.
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I’m sorry again for my long absence, but I have time now, finally.
This year has officially come to an end. I can’t really grasp that fact yet though, probably because I was really into the loop of my routine. I remember the beginning of the year, when I was thinking << Man, how many decades will this take…>> Well, it went by so much faster than I could’ve ever anticipated. It reminds me, how people say <<Youth goes by the fastest and as you age, time slows down>>. The cause is the number of new things we witness and learn.
I really did learn a lot, even though I still feel like I’m useless and haven’t done enough… but that’s just me being unrealistic, I guess. Apart from the knowledge I have acquired from the general school subjects, I learned human things from some of my closest friends. I finally see life as this adventure where you just don’t know, really – what the next big leap or vertical drop down would be, what new person you meet or anything really, even though I found a lifestyle, which quite literally gives you control over your future and shapes it so events happen the way you want. I’m not fully into it, even though I do understand its concept – I sometimes use it, but I can’t fully control everything, because I haven’t learned the specific technique yet. And that’s fine, because, well, that’s what life should be about – just this very long story with twists and lessons.
Other than the fact that I feel 47.2% Russian now, because I feel the influence of their culture and manners, I learned about myself through other people’s actions and personality. I see someone do something, and if I like it, I’ll do it next time, or input it into my manners. Though, after some time, I noticed that I subconsciously mimic actions that I don’t approve of and I stop. I’m trying to keep and accentuate what makes me, for now. Sometimes I influenced them by saying a random sentence and to this day we still use some of them.
I certainly don’t think I’ve found or constructed my final self. If every year I change enough to not remember my exact past self, then I absolutely expect more qualities to be added or some tendencies replaced. I left what I disliked and kept what I liked, expressed it, and added more of what I didn’t know made sense to me. This will continue till the end of high school I think, but there’s no evidence that it doesn’t stop at all, so I guess it strongly depends on the person.
The eternal problem in my life will still be me. I’m always my own worst enemy, but occasionally, at least, I completely agree on something. Even before this year I noticed my extremely powerful self-critics and introspection tendency.
In 6th grade, I think, was its real beginning and it has only gotten more advanced (or manipulative I guess) and more of an addiction than anything else. This year I literally rested by sleeping while thinking about the future and past simultaneously and what was happening between the big corporations and us normal humans. I don’t know, but I felt worse when I found certain things out about this topic. There are definitely good sides to this mentality, but in my case it’s sometimes super self-destructive, and I know it, but still can’t stop it. If I try, I only give it more incentive to continue and deepen, so I just wait until it ends. What I’m talking about is my tendency to over-analyze the past, but recently it has turned more to the future and present. My thoughts jump between circling around me, my friends and the world.
The heaviest times are when all my attention is myself… and at that point there’s no real way back, or a way to stop and I just know it will be a tiring session. Then I completely go all out with what I could become and what I should change/improve on or what I could’ve done differently that could’ve ensured a good night’s sleep for that night. I don’t really focus on mistakes this much (thank God), but more on just actions I should’ve not even considered doing or moments I should’ve been more grateful for. The only way to avoid getting sucked into this is remembering that the past doesn’t have a reality and shouldn’t be used for anything, other than lessons (even though I notice that many people don’t seem to learn from world history…). It shouldn’t be brought into the present (which I guess also doesn’t really exist as well, because every passing second is the future…), because that means it’s being relived when it shouldn’t be – what happened, happened and I can’t change it. I can only change the “present” which also affects the distant future. But I don’t do too much, because that would overwhelm me and maybe burn me out.
Sketch for a piece in the next post.
For now, I’m just focusing on doing more of what I like, because now I have time to do anything I want. I’m also getting into music – I want to learn how to play the piano and also use a program to create music with. The only problems are – I can’t find a teacher yet and I need a special audio card for the program to work.
We’ll find someone I hope and who knows, maybe I’ll share the process with you.
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Have a great day!